Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
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when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Digital security in Ancient Troy