Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
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*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable