A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
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*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?