CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
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i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched