*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
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body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.