I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
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If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
I can’t deal with men any longer
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Finally!
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts