Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
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The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump