THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
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[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans