I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
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What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*