In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
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Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
How to properly lift a body
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Proctology is located in A55
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.