DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
You Might Also Like
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
i love modern commerce
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet