HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
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this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.