Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
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Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
they really do be looking like this
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?