My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
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“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.