If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
You Might Also Like
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow