If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
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I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
My background check bounced.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud