Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
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8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.