[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
You Might Also Like
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.