You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
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You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)