Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
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The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Meow?
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher