Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
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i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )