Brands during Pride
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“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.