So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
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Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.