I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
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7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes