i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
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my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
New menu item
this country is so goddamn polarized
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
the answer was staring at me all along
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints