FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
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If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move