My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
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me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet