All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
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Imma just leave this here…………
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
#dalle2
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old