I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
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I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
*updates tinder bio*
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
[eulogy]
line?
Real House Wines.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?