Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
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Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Barbie gone wild
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
If only.