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Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
titanic
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”