PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
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My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Never ghost your hitman.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.