Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
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Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.