What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
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Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.