What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
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My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Always a metermaid never a meter
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.