“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
You Might Also Like
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
work smarter, not harder
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.