Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
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Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.