WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
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6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.