8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
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(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.