Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
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Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
I love wikipedia
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.