It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
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Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Best spoiler warning ever
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it
5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.