White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
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[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
lmfao
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it