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With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”