My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
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I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
is this store having a stroke wtf
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”