DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
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I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
bury ourselves
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.