2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
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🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.