Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
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If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
The internet is full of many things
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”