darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
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DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad