a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
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JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Florida be like…
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.