Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
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“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
They must have gotten it to go.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Meow?
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.